I've been working now for almost ten months, and just still have the hardest time leaving John. He was 14 months when I started work, and would inevitably cry every time I dropped him off. Then, phase two was when he would cry and then not look at me. The child care provider, who is fabulous, would try to make me feel better by telling me that he would only cry for a couple of minutes.
It really hurts to have to leave your child, or at least it does for me. I have many friends who work well out of the house and enjoy what they do, as well as maintain strong relationships with their children. I feel like I have maintained a strong relationship with John and Shana despite my working, but it still hurts to have to go.
What also is hard is having to wake up either of my kids in the morning to go to work. I have to be on my way by 6:50 to get John to his sitter's and arrive at school on time. Inevitably, the kids vacillate between having to be woken up and waking up spontaneously at 5:30 or even before that time. Shana's woken up as early as 4:45 before. :( The pattern usually involves my waking them up Monday morning, Shana getting up at 6:15 Tuesday, then both getting up around 6:15 Wednesday, until by Friday Shana's up at 5:30 or so.
I do best when I can do my quiet time in the dark before kids wake up. Once one wakes up, my day is rolling and I have to push forward. I just hate what it does to the kids. The guilt is sometimes paralyzing. I'm more apt to want to focus on my kids, because they are my kids, but I also want to do a good job at school and give my students what they need. What a tug!
Only seven more days of school left!!! :D
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